Melt My Heart to Stone - Adele feat. Johnny Polygon
I don’t love a ton of remixes, but this one ain’t half bad
I hate doubt. It prevents me from getting the task done at hand. It creates fear or even hatred for whatever I have worked for, and if allowed to take control, forces me two steps back when really I should be spending that time trying to go forward. the mentality that what I am doing is wrong aggravates me. Doubt makes all that effort I put into being efficient go down the drain. It makes me afraid of these past 3 years, makes me question whether have I chosen the right major? Because from what I can tell, getting absolutely no A’s is a pretty good indication that I’m in the wrong place.
I hate regret. It always starts with a what if… and if I allow myself to finish that sentence, it haunts every decision I make thereafter. From what I’ve learned, it is impossible to live without a few, but the strongest people I know can accept the path they’ve taken, good or bad. Unfortunately I’m not one of them. The things I tend to regret run deep and have the potential of messing with decades of my life. I hate to reminisce solely because all those regrets come up in looking back on my life.
In other news that isn’t emo:
Competitions for a bunch of my clubs are coming up. Two of the clubs (though I am really only part of one of them) have a conference up in Cal Poly. I know that I’m going to that conference, but it also means missing the last 2 days of finals, so I’m hoping to goodness gracious that my Prof’s allow me to move them. Another one of my groups is having their competition two weeks into my spring quarter, and the competition is all the way out in Tennessee (cause you know, you’re the only one I see. Hahaha… nvrmnd), which will be difficult to get to. My parents are definitely saying no to a plane ride out there, but apparently a group of them plan on driving out there. Its definitely something I’m contemplating, considering it will be less than a fifth of the cost of flying. Should I possibly drive coast to coast and miss a week of school for a competition out in Tennessee?
Ummm. Yes. For the Pokemon lovers. This kinda sums up what the original voice actors did for a Christmas Album
So most people know that I’m a really laid back person when it comes to studying and doing hw. I generally shrug it off and say that if having spent an entire quarter learning the stuff, and I don’t know it yet, I don’t deserve to do well on the final. But I know that isn’t true. There is no way to completely recall everything learned within 10 weeks, and then hope that you remember everything important for a test. Nope, I’m living in some dillusional world I’ve created for myself to handle my falling grades.
If I truly wanted to pass, and do well in all my classes, I would study. Study every word that’s been spoken from my professor’s mouth (not that any of my teachers really podcast), and every random note they’ve put on the board. But to be frank, the only reason I ever did that in high school was because I had people to study with, I had people to compare notes with, to ask for help from. And really, nowadays, I’m alone. Not physically I suppose, there are people always studying around me, telling me that I should be doing the same. But I’ll usually be reading, watching videos, and anything but studying. None of them are engineers (well … structural to be exact, because some of them are engineers). Where’s the motivation to study if everyone around you is helping each other, making jokes about the professors I’ll never have? Not with them. And I think that’s the main reason I refuse to study. Its stupid, I know, but when you feel like 3rd wheel, you don’t really feel like doing the same as everyone else. I don’t have podcasts to listen to, I don’t usually have slides to go off of, its mostly just me staring at textbooks that make no sense, and ugly notes that I take during class. Its awkward feeling alone amongst friends.
That’s why I tried to join so many clubs this quarter where I would be surrounded by people in my major. I’ve made so many friends this past quarter that I feel like I was really successful. But it came at a really heavy cost. I lost a lot of time with people important to me, and I used tons of gas to get around. But it was all for the sake of gaining friends that I really could study with. Unfortunately, for the upcoming finals, I am studying alone. I truly feel unprepared for the 2 finals that are back to back tomorrow. I want to pretend that I don’t feel alone, and go to sleep believing what I said earlier, if I’m meant to pass, I will. But my brain knows that isn’t true. I will fail if I don’t begin studying soon.
I want to curl up and disappear. I feel alone. Everyone is either in hardcore study mode, or heading home and resting being finished with everything. Hahaha. Ugh.
/ e n d m y l i f e n o w p l e e e e e a a a a s e
Alright, let’s go through the professors this quarter:
Prof. Paris: By far the easiest professor I’ve had so far. Its for Psych 60, which is a simple statistic class in psychology, which is required for a lot of the upper division classes. He likes to give near perfect lectures that he seems to have practiced the entire night before. But he’s young, and likes to dress in only black or maroon every lecture. I think its just the different mind set that makes the class so easy. I’ve been focused on how will this beam deflect that looking at a unit normal curve is a nice change of pace. Well it helps that he spells out basically everything 5 seperate times. But yea, super easy class … despite what everyone else says about him.
Prof. Conte: I’ll admit that this guy is a good teacher, because I recognize that he wants us to pass. Its just that what he teaches is so danged difficult that no one will ever know he’s a good professor. This is also a statistics class, only statistics as they relate to engineering, so kind of a structural analysis class. The stuff he goes over every single day generally goes over my head, and it isn’t until I get back my hw and quizzes and midterms that I understand the concepts, which obviously is too late. His office hours are monstruously helpful, but seeing as I’m busy beyond all reason, I often can’t attend, which makes my grade suffer majorly in the class.
Prof Van Den Einde: I have her for the last two class, SE 1 (an intro to SE) and SE 103 (Conceptual Design). SE 1 is a piece of cake, despite being in a group of freshman and a transfer. I hate having to be the leader of anything, and it ends up looking like I take the reins and do everything for myself, when I really don’t want it to be that way. SE 103 on the other hand, I’m in a group with people my grade level which is the way I like it, meaning I am not expected to do everything, though I try to do a lot. Its an odd balance of being the leader of a group, while in the other I am more or less a follower. Both classes are somewhat difficult, having no final but rather a final presentations and a bunch of labs. I hate labs, because they end up being far more work than they initally seem. But whatever. It hurts too that half of them are competitions, and I generally suck at competitions. Whatever. Prof VDE is the same, teaches way too much, way too fast, and we are forced to teach most of what she wants to know to ourselves right before the midterms. I figure I ought to have gotten used to it by now. And from what she tells us, she’s swamped by the other 2 classes she’s teaching (meaning 4 altogether, which is a lot for a prof at once). In any case, her classes are usually automatic B’s for me … ugh. And screw the SE 1 lecture time: 7 - 10pm!?!?! who the heck came up with that for a tuesday night?
5 clubs. Oh Stephen. That means something every day of the week almost. SMH. why?